Anne Taintor- Vintage revisted

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"...But I Wanted a Pony!" Motherhood Collection
"high maintenance" doesn't even begin to cover it#%&@*!!!!!!
...and that's how the handsome prince worked himself into an early grave...and the best part? we never argue!
...and then the children cleaned their rooms, got mommy her drink, and went straight to bed. The End....because puppies never have affairs with their secretaries
...or we could order Chinesea real friend will help you hide the body
all dressed up with nothing to drinkall I want is an umbrella in my drink
all the glamour of a real job... no pesky 401kall work and no play makes Jill homicidal
an attitude is a terrible thing to wasteand voila! margaritas for everyone!
another day in paradise...are we there yet?
are you certain you want to interrupt my coffee break?be good... but if you can't be good, call me
beauty: it's not just a job... it's an adventurebecause I'm the mother... that's why
being a mom is fun but I could never do it soberbite me
born to be wildbreathalyze me!
can I retire now?can one of you darling children show Aunt Gigi where your parents hide the booze?
Can someone call the Coast Guard? I believe I've dropped my Mai Tai.change is good
cheer up, dear... it's nothing a great manicure can't fixchoosy moms choose beer
clear your throat and make that noise one more time... I dare you...cocktail hour can do absolute wonders for office morale
darling! let's get deeply into debt!did somebody say "free gift with purchase"?
did somebody say "open bar"?did we forget the children at the baggage claim... again?
do I ever question your lifestyle?do we ever question your lifestyle?
domestically disableddrinks after work? why wait that long?
ever wish you could shoot some people with more than just a camera?expiration dates are for the weak
Father says I'm a disappointment. Mother says I'm fabulous.feel free to outsource this
five martinis later, she tried to recall that rule about babies and bathwaterfixing the economy... one boutique at a time
following the "if you can't say something nice" rule proved to be more challenging than she had anticipatedfortunately, some of us don't need all that much beauty sleep
frugal is such an ugly wordfunny... I don't recall asking for your opinion
FYI... I never LOLgay marriage? I'll drink to that!
golly! liquor is quicker!good girls go to heaven... I just want to go shopping
good girls go to heaven... just take me to a five-star hotelgosh, Mom! I'd rather eat cat poo!
guess where I'm tattooedhad she really hit Reply to All?!?!?
help! I'm on vacation, and I can't get up!his snoring is so much better...thank you, duct tape!
hmm... you say tomato... I say Bloody Mary!hmm...what can I buy today?
hmmm... I know I walked into this room for a reason...honey, I'm already at my cruising altitude
honey, these are my big girl pantieshoney, this asks for your occupation... shall I just write "ball-buster"?
honey, you couldn't handle half of mehoney? are credit card limits, like, set in stone?
hopes and dreams would only distract me from making these awesome casserolesHurrah! At last I'm 40!
Hurrah! At last I'm 50!hurry, dear... if you miss the bus you'll have to walk 'cause mommy can't drink and drive
I believe the word you're searching for is "divine"I believe we have an opportunity to make some extremely poor choices
I came... I shopped... I'm ready for a cocktail.I could just stand here and watch it depreciate all day!
I don't mind the heat... it's the kitchen I can't standI dreamed my whole desk was clean...
I dreamed my whole house was clean...I have so much... and yet I want more!
I have what one might call "special needs"I knit so that I don't kill you, dear
I love not campingI should come with a warning label
I think you heard me the first timeI truly amaze myself... this after five martinis!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some frikkin' sleep tonight!I'd love to wear low necklines too, but they don't cover my prison tats
I'd rather be getting my nails done...I'll try anything once... okay, twice...
I'm going to be the most popular girl in rehab!I'm not laughing on the inside either
I'm not married yet... I'm not married yet... I'm not married yet...I'm so happy it's happy hour
I'm so happy it's happy hour -I'm so happy its happy hour (original)
I've put on my happy face... now what?if by "happy" you mean trapped with no means of escape...? then yes, I'm happy
if by "having fun" you mean trapped with no means of escape...? then yes, I'm having funif men are from Mars let's send some of them back
if you want something done right, don't give it to me on Friday afternoonif you're going to kick ass, you need kickass shoes
inner beauty is for amateursis it possible that I'm simply too attractive?
it depends... are you going for gay or straight?it has been my pleasure to ignore you
it's like a mini bar with wings!it's not you, darling... it's your limited earning potential
it's okay... I didn't want a real life anywayit's so involved being me
jeepers, mom! i'd drink too if I had to do this all day!just file it under "who cares?"
just let my conscience be our guidelactose is just one of the many things I don't tolerate
laundry! grocery shopping! carpool! and it's not even my birthday!look... I already told you I liked your manicure, okay?
looking for trouble? look no further...low expectations mean everyone ends up happy
make mine estrogenmake your own damn dinner
make your own damn dinnermale refrigerator blindness claims another victim
medicated and motivatedmommy, when I grow up I want to stay home and not work just like you!
mommy? are you sure it's okay to leave Grandpa tied to the dock?more paperwork, please
my garden kicks assnapping... it's not just for toddlers any more
no...I do not think it's time to get dinner startednow was probably not the best time to tell the kids they were Jewish
of course it buys happinessoh Daddy! you're so much more fun after your third cocktail!
oh honey! it's practical AND thoughtless!oh my, I'm going to be late for Pilates again...
old enough to know better... too young to give a rat's assOmmmmm...
on second thought... let's get drunk and order pizza!oops! I spent the grocery money on shoes again...
organization is for the unimaginativeplease call back when I give a damn
prepare to be amazedput on your life preserver... I'm about to rock the boat
remember, son... the formula for success is 10% inspiration and 90% intoxicationsame circus... different clowns
screw the budget!see? aren't we both much happier when I'm happy?
see? I told you I gave the best blow jobshe could never remember which was better... ...or sorry?
she could no longer pretend that he wasn't an idiotshe could see no good reason to act her age
she couldn't even remember the last time she partied with adultsshe had made yet another wise shopping decision
she was certain that money could buy happiness if only he'd try hardershe was comforted by the knowledge that they were helpless without her
she was one cocktail away from proving his mother rightsign up for a life of drudgery and receive these free gifts!
since giving up carbs I've been feeling a bit... oh, what's that word...? ...homicidalsize matters does a bombshell like me get through securitysomeone called...about something...
someone has to set a bad examplesomeone is about to get herself voted off the island
someone is about to get herself voted off this islandstop me before I volunteer again
surely it must be five o'clock somewheresurely it must be five o'clock somewhere
ta-daa! now let's have a cocktail...thanks to "homeschooling" Margaret didn't need to hire a maid
the day was in dire need of a Ctrl+Alt+Deletethe girls could never say "rubbers" without giggling...
the key word is "alleged"the last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on the list
the mistletoe wasn't the only thing that was going to get hammeredthe only thing left to polish off now is the gin
the oven isn't the only thing I left turned onthe voices in my head are all demanding drinks
think of me as "unexpected turbulence"this is what I do for fun... well, this and laundry
this was a great idea, honey... I needed a break from cooking and cleaningtogether we will own your grandparents
twinkle, twinkle, little cup... how'd my life get so f***ed up?walk faster... the children are catching up
was she in love... or was it just allergies?we all have our baggage
we came... we shopped... we're ready for cocktailswe go together like drunk and disorderly
we've all decided to blame youwell, I never!!! or, at least, not recently...
what am I making for supper? why, sweetie, I'm making whatever the hell I want served with a side of eat it or starvewhat part of "I'm hung over, go home" don't you understand?
what's a nice girl like me doing without a drink in her hand?when you never lift a finger you get lovely fingers
which twin has the STD?who are you calling an old bag?
who says blondes have more fun?whoever said "less is more" had probably never had quite enough "more"
whoever says you can't have it all hasn't met my lawyer!why am I sober?
why do dishes when you can do daiquiris?why don't you go Xerox your ass?
why put off til tomorrow what you can do next year?why yes, I am overqualified
why yes, I am that kind of girlwhy, I'd be delighted to put my needs last again
WOW! I get to give birth AND change diapers!WTF???
yes, we are lesbians... and no, you can't watchYou be Thelma. I'll be Louise.
you have to start drinking pretty damn early if you want to stay wasted all dayyou know me... busy, busy!
you mess with the kitty, you feel the clawsyou say "crazy cat lady" like it's a bad thing
you see them as pies... I see them as cries for helpyou were right, honey... this is a lot more fun than golf and beer with the guys
you'll eat it... you'll eat it and like ityou're never too old... to try something stupid
you're right! it does look like her Facebook picture!ďIím So Happy Itís Happy HourĒ Cocktail Book
Anne Taintor is the Original Vintage Humor Company