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"...But I Wanted a Pony!" Motherhood Collection
"high maintenance" doesn't even begin to cover it#%&@*!!!!!!
...and that's how the handsome prince worked himself into an early grave...and the best part? we never argue!
...and then the children cleaned their rooms, got mommy her drink, and went straight to bed. The End....because puppies never have affairs with their secretaries
...or we could order Chinesea real friend will help you hide the body
all dressed up with nothing to drinkall I want is an umbrella in my drink
all the glamour of a real job... no pesky 401kall work and no play makes Jill homicidal
an attitude is a terrible thing to wasteand voila! margaritas for everyone!
another day in paradise...are we there yet?
are you certain you want to interrupt my coffee break?be good... but if you can't be good, call me
beauty: it's not just a job... it's an adventurebecause I'm the mother... that's why
being a mom is fun but I could never do it soberbite me
born to be wildbreathalyze me!
can I retire now?can one of you darling children show Aunt Gigi where your parents hide the booze?
Can someone call the Coast Guard? I believe I've dropped my Mai Tai.change is good
cheer up, dear... it's nothing a great manicure can't fixchoosy moms choose beer
clear your throat and make that noise one more time... I dare you...cocktail hour can do absolute wonders for office morale
darling! let's get deeply into debt!did somebody say "free gift with purchase"?
did somebody say "open bar"?did we forget the children at the baggage claim... again?
do I ever question your lifestyle?domestically disabled
drinks after work? why wait that long?ever wish you could shoot some people with more than just a camera?
expiration dates are for the weakFather says I'm a disappointment. Mother says I'm fabulous.
feel free to outsource thisfive martinis later, she tried to recall that rule about babies and bathwater
fixing the economy... one boutique at a timefollowing the "if you can't say something nice" rule proved to be more challenging than she had anticipated
fortunately, some of us don't need all that much beauty sleepfrugal is such an ugly word
funny... I don't recall asking for your opinionFYI... I never LOL
gay marriage? I'll drink to that!golly! liquor is quicker!
good girls go to heaven... I just want to go shoppinggood girls go to heaven... just take me to a five-star hotel
gosh, Mom! I'd rather eat cat poo!guess where I'm tattooed
had she really hit Reply to All?!?!?help! I'm on vacation, and I can't get up!
his snoring is so much better...thank you, duct tape!hmm... you say tomato... I say Bloody Mary!
hmm...what can I buy today?hmmm... I know I walked into this room for a reason...
honey, these are my big girl pantieshoney, this asks for your occupation... shall I just write "ball-buster"?
honey, you couldn't handle half of mehoney? are credit card limits, like, set in stone?
hopes and dreams would only distract me from making these awesome casserolesHurrah! At last I'm 40!
Hurrah! At last I'm 50!hurry, dear... if you miss the bus you'll have to walk 'cause mommy can't drink and drive
I believe the word you're searching for is "divine"I believe we have an opportunity to make some extremely poor choices
I could just stand here and watch it depreciate all day!I don't mind the heat... it's the kitchen I can't stand
I dreamed my whole desk was clean...I dreamed my whole house was clean...
I have so much... and yet I want more!I have what one might call "special needs"
I knit so that I don't kill you, dearI love not camping
I should come with a warning labelI think you heard me the first time
I truly amaze myself... this after five martinis!I wish I may, I wish I might, get some frikkin' sleep tonight!
I'd love to wear low necklines too, but they don't cover my prison tatsI'd rather be getting my nails done...
I'll try anything once... okay, twice...I'm going to be the most popular girl in rehab!
I'm not laughing on the inside eitherI'm so happy it's happy hour
I'm so happy it's happy hour -I'm so happy its happy hour (original)
I've put on my happy face... now what?if by "happy" you mean trapped with no means of escape...? then yes, I'm happy
if by "having fun" you mean trapped with no means of escape...? then yes, I'm having funif men are from Mars let's send some of them back
if you want something done right, don't give it to me on Friday afternoonif you're going to kick ass, you need kickass shoes
inner beauty is for amateursis it possible that I'm simply too attractive?
it depends... are you going for gay or straight?it has been my pleasure to ignore you
it's not you, darling... it's your limited earning potentialit's okay... I didn't want a real life anyway
it's so involved being mejeepers, mom! i'd drink too if I had to do this all day!
just file it under "who cares?"just let my conscience be our guide
lactose is just one of the many things I don't toleratelaundry! grocery shopping! carpool! and it's not even my birthday!
look... I already told you I liked your manicure, okay?looking for trouble? look no further...
low expectations mean everyone ends up happymake mine estrogen
make your own damn dinnermake your own damn dinner
male refrigerator blindness claims another victimmedicated and motivated
mommy, when I grow up I want to stay home and not work just like you!more paperwork, please
my garden kicks assnapping... it's not just for toddlers any more
no...I do not think it's time to get dinner startednow was probably not the best time to tell the kids they were Jewish
of course it buys happinessoh Daddy! you're so much more fun after your third cocktail!
oh honey! it's practical AND thoughtless!oh my, I'm going to be late for Pilates again...
old enough to know better... too young to give a rat's assOmmmmm...
on second thought... let's get drunk and order pizza!oops! I spent the grocery money on shoes again...
organization is for the unimaginativeplease call back when I give a damn
put on your life preserver... I'm about to rock the boatremember, son... the formula for success is 10% inspiration and 90% intoxication
same circus... different clownsscrew the budget!
see? aren't we both much happier when I'm happy?see? I told you I gave the best blow job
she could never remember which was better... ...safe? ...or sorry?she could no longer pretend that he wasn't an idiot
she could see no good reason to act her ageshe couldn't even remember the last time she partied with adults
she had made yet another wise shopping decisionshe was certain that money could buy happiness if only he'd try harder
she was comforted by the knowledge that they were helpless without hershe was one cocktail away from proving his mother right
sign up for a life of drudgery and receive these free gifts!since giving up carbs I've been feeling a bit... oh, what's that word...? ...homicidal
size mattersso...how does a bombshell like me get through security
someone called...about something...someone has to set a bad example
someone is about to get herself voted off the islandsomeone is about to get herself voted off this island
stop me before I volunteer againsurely it must be five o'clock somewhere
ta-daa! now let's have a cocktail...thanks to "homeschooling" Margaret didn't need to hire a maid
the day was in dire need of a Ctrl+Alt+Deletethe girls could never say "rubbers" without giggling...
the key word is "alleged"the last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on the list
the mistletoe wasn't the only thing that was going to get hammeredthe only thing left to polish off now is the gin
the voices in my head are all demanding drinksthink of me as "unexpected turbulence"
this is what I do for fun... well, this and laundrythis was a great idea, honey... I needed a break from cooking and cleaning
together we will own your grandparentstwinkle, twinkle, little cup... how'd my life get so f***ed up?
walk faster... the children are catching upwas she in love... or was it just allergies?
we all have our baggagewe came... we shopped... we're ready for cocktails
we go together like drunk and disorderlywe've all decided to blame you
well, I never!!! or, at least, not recently...what am I making for supper? why, sweetie, I'm making whatever the hell I want served with a side of eat it or starve
what part of "I'm hung over, go home" don't you understand?what's a nice girl like me doing without a drink in her hand?
when you never lift a finger you get lovely fingerswhich twin has the STD?
who are you calling an old bag?who says blondes have more fun?
whoever said "less is more" had probably never had quite enough "more"whoever says you can't have it all hasn't met my lawyer!
why am I sober?why do dishes when you can do daiquiris?
why don't you go Xerox your ass?why put off til tomorrow what you can do next year?
why yes, I am overqualifiedwhy yes, I am that kind of girl
why, I'd be delighted to put my needs last againWOW! I get to give birth AND change diapers!
WTF???yes, we are lesbians... and no, you can't watch
You be Thelma. I'll be Louise.you have to start drinking pretty damn early if you want to stay wasted all day
you know me... busy, busy!you mess with the kitty, you feel the claws
you say "crazy cat lady" like it's a bad thingyou see them as pies... I see them as cries for help
you'll eat it... you'll eat it and like ityou're never too old... to try something stupid
you're right! it does look like her Facebook picture!ďIím So Happy Itís Happy HourĒ Cocktail Book
 
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