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"...But I Wanted a Pony!" Motherhood Collection
"high maintenance" doesn't even begin to cover it#%&@*!!!!!!
...and that's how the handsome prince worked himself into an early grave...and then the children cleaned their rooms, got mommy her drink, and went straight to bed. The End.
...and what are you wearing?...because puppies never have affairs with their secretaries
a penny saved, if you ask me, is just plain stupida real friend will help you hide the body
all dressed up with nothing to drinkall I want is an umbrella in my drink
all men are created equal... interchangeable, evenall this and a paycheck too...
all work and no play makes Jill homicidalan attitude is a terrible thing to waste
and that, my friends, is how you throw a frisbeeand voila! margaritas for everyone!
another day in paradise...are we there yet?
are you certain you want to interrupt my coffee break?be good... but if you can't be good, call me
beauty: it's not just a job... it's an adventurebecause I'm the mother... that's why
being a mom is fun but I could never do it soberbite me
blondes may have more fun, but brunettes have more everything elseborn to be wild
breathalyze mebreathalyze me!
can I be a boy instead?can I retire now?
Can someone call the Coast Guard? I believe I've dropped my Mai Tai.change is good
cheer up, dear... it's nothing a great manicure can't fixchoosy moms choose beer
clear your throat and make that noise one more time... I dare you...cocktail hour can do absolute wonders for office morale
cocktail hour did absolute wonders for office moraleconsider me a flight risk
did somebody say "free gift with purchase"?did somebody say "open bar"?
did we forget the children at the baggage claim... again?do I ever question your lifestyle?
do we ever question your lifestyle?do you think my sister means it when she says we need therapy?
domestically disableddon't fence me in
drinks after work? why wait that long?ever wish you could shoot some people with more than just a camera?
everyone needs a hobby, dear... mine is cocktailseveryone needs a hobby, dear... mine is drinking
expiration dates are for the weakFather says I'm a disappointment. Mother says I'm fabulous.
feel free to outsource thisfive martinis later, she tried to recall that rule about babies and bathwater
fixing the economy... one boutique at a timeflattery will get you nowhere... a Mercedes, on the other hand...
forget the moon... fly me to Vegas!fortunately for him, she had just that minute lowered the bar
fortunately, some of us don't need all that much beauty sleepfrom scratch? why yes... I scratched the label right off the bakery's box
frugal is such an ugly wordfunny... he took up so much more space on the sofa...
funny... I don't recall asking for your opinionFYI... I never LOL
golly! liquor is quicker!good girls go to heaven... I just want to go shopping
good girls go to heaven... just take me to a five-star hotelgosh, Mom! I'd rather eat cat poo!
guess where I'm tattooedha, ha, very funny... now where are we really staying?
had she really hit Reply to All?!?!?has anyone seen my hormones?
he had what it takes... so she took ithelp! I'm on vacation, and I can't get up!
her proudest achievement was staying blondehmm... you say tomato... I say Bloody Mary!
hmm...what can I buy today?hmmm... I know I walked into this room for a reason...
honey, fur isn't the only thing I fakehoney, I'm already at my cruising altitude
honey, this asks for your occupation... shall I just write "ball-buster"?honey, you couldn't handle half of me
honey? are credit card limits, like, set in stone?hopes and dreams would only distract me from making these awesome casseroles
Hurrah! At last I'm 40!Hurrah! At last I'm 50!
hurry up, Charlotte! my credit cards are about to expire!hurry, dear... if you miss the bus you'll have to walk 'cause mommy can't drink and drive
I believe the word you're searching for is "divine"I believe we have an opportunity to make some extremely poor choices
I came... I shopped... I'm ready for a cocktail.I can't afford to go on vacation so I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am anymore
I could just stand here and watch it depreciate all day!I don't suffer fools gladly... but I do gladly make fools suffer
I dreamed my whole desk was clean...I dreamed my whole house was clean...
I have so much... and yet I want more!I have what one might call "special needs"
I knit so that I don't kill you, dearI love not camping
I promised to love and cherish... but I didn't promise to fly coachI quit smoking yesterday. It's going very well.
I should come with a warning labelI think you heard me the first time
I truly amaze myself... this after five martinis!I wish I may, I wish I might, get some frikkin' sleep tonight!
I wish I were knittingI'd love to wear low necklines too, but they don't cover my prison tats
I'd rather be getting my nails done...I'll follow you to the ends of the earth... but not to a Motel 6
I'll try anything once... okay, twice...I'm going to be the most popular girl in rehab!
I'm not married yet... I'm not married yet... I'm not married yet...I'm so happy it's happy hour
I'm so happy it's happy hour -I'm so happy its happy hour (original)
if by "happy" you mean trapped with no means of escape...? then yes, I'm happyif by "having fun" you mean trapped with no means of escape...? then yes, we're having fun
if I had wanted to be ignored I would have bought a catif looks could kill women wouldn't need frying pans
if you want something done right, don't give it to me on Friday afternoonif you're going to kick ass, you need kickass shoes
inner beauty is for amateursis it possible that I'm simply too attractive?
it depends... are you going for gay or straight?it has been my pleasure to ignore you
it's always fun until somebody breaks a nail...it's like a mini bar with wings!
it's not you, darling... it's your limited earning potentialit's okay... I didn't want a real life anyway
it's so involved being mejeepers, mom! i'd drink too if I had to do this all day!
just file it under "who cares?"just let my conscience be our guide
lactose is just one of the many things I don't toleratelaundry! grocery shopping! carpool! and it's not even my birthday!
look... I already told you I liked your manicure, okay?looking for trouble? look no further...
low expectations mean everyone ends up happymake mine estrogen
make your own damn dinnermake your own damn dinner
male refrigerator blindness claims another victimmartinis... they're not just for breakfast anymore
medicated and motivatedmommy? are you sure it's okay to leave Grandpa tied to the dock?
more paperwork, pleasemy garden kicks ass
my lobotomy did wonders for my morale... no more crazy feminist talk from me!napping... it's not just for toddlers any more
NIMJD!no...I do not think it's time to get dinner started
note to self... dump jackassnow remember, sweetheart... if you lose another lunchbox Mommy will have to sell you to pirates
of course it buys happinessoh Daddy! you're so much more fun after your third cocktail!
oh honey! it's practical AND thoughtless!oh my, I'm going to be late for Pilates again...
oh sweetie... I blew far more than just the budgetold enough to know better... too young to give a rat's ass
Ommmmm...on second thought... let's get drunk and order pizza!
only four more hours 'til my next dose!oops! I spent the grocery money on shoes again...
organization is for the unimaginativeplease call back when I give a damn
prepare to be amazedput on your life preserver... I'm about to rock the boat
remember, son... the formula for success is 10% inspiration and 90% intoxicationsame circus... different clowns
Savage Mixed Card Packsay it with carbohydrates
Scandalous Mixed Card Packscrew the budget!
see darling? Valium makes everything seem fun!see? aren't we both much happier when I'm happy?
see? I told you I gave the best blow jobshe could never remember which was better... ...safe? ...or sorry?
she could see no good reason to act her ageshe couldn't even remember the last time she partied with adults
she had made yet another wise shopping decisionshe was certain that money could buy happiness if only he'd try harder
she was comforted by the knowledge that they were helpless without hershe was one cocktail away from proving his mother right
sign up for a life of drudgery and receive these free gifts!since giving up carbs I've been feeling a bit... oh, what's that word...? ...homicidal
size mattersso, men... it's official: we don't know a damn thing about women
so...how does a bombshell like me get through securitysomeone called...about something...
someone has to set a bad examplesomeone is about to get herself voted off the island
someone is about to get herself voted off this islandsomeone was going to have to set a bad example
sometimes it all seems so pointless... well, except for cocktailsstop me before I volunteer again
surely it must be five o'clock somewheresurely it must be five o'clock somewhere
ta-daa! now let's have a cocktail...thanks to "homeschooling" Margaret didn't need to hire a maid
the day was in dire need of a Ctrl+Alt+Deletethe girls could never say "rubbers" without giggling...
the key word is "alleged"the last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on the list
the only thing left to polish off now is the ginthe oven isn't the only thing I left turned on
the secret ingredient is resentmentthe voices in my head are all demanding drinks
there's a very fine line between medicated and over-medicatedthink of me as "unexpected turbulence"
this was a great idea, honey... I needed a break from cooking and cleaningtogether we will own your grandparents
twinkle, twinkle, little cup... how'd my life get so f***ed up?umm... shall I file that under "P" for "pompous" or "J" for "jackass"?
walk faster... the children are catching upwas she in love... or was it just allergies?
we all have our baggagewe came... we shopped... we're ready for cocktails
we go together like drunk and disorderlywe've all decided to blame you
well, I never!!! or, at least, not recently...what am I making for supper? why, sweetie, I'm making whatever the hell I want served with a side of eat it or starve
what do you get for the girl who has everything? another cocktail, perhaps?what part of "I'm hung over, go home" don't you understand?
what's a nice girl like me doing without a drink in her hand?whatever had she done? and with whom?
when I said "for poorer" you can't think I was seriouswhen I said I wanted a baby, dear, I didn't mean you
when you never lift a finger you get lovely fingerswhere's the toy in this stupid happy meal?
which twin has the STD?who are you calling an old bag?
who says blondes have more fun?whoever said "less is more" had probably never had quite enough "more"
whoever said laughter is the best medicine had clearly never tasted liquorwhoever said laughter is the best medicine had clearly never tasted scotch
whoever said that breaking up is hard to do had clearly never dated this bozowhoever says you can't have it all hasn't met my lawyer!
why am I sober?why do dishes when you can do daiquiris?
why don't you go Xerox your ass?why put off til tomorrow what you can do next year?
why yes, I am overqualifiedwhy yes, I am that kind of girl
why, I'd be delighted to put my needs last againWOW! I get to give birth AND change diapers!
WTF???yes, we are lesbians... and no, you can't watch
yippee! I get to make dinner again tomorrow!You be Thelma. I'll be Louise.
you have to start drinking pretty damn early if you want to stay wasted all dayyou know me... busy, busy!
you mess with the kitty, you feel the clawsyou say "crazy cat lady" like it's a bad thing
you see them as pies... I see them as cries for helpyou were right, honey... this is a lot more fun than golf and beer with the guys
you'll eat it... you'll eat it and like ityou're never too old... to try something stupid
you're right! it does look like her Facebook picture!your honor, I plead not guilty by reason of being so damn good-looking
“I’m So Happy It’s Happy Hour” Cocktail Book 
 
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