Anne Taintor - Magnetic Stuff - Magnets

we go together like drunk and disorderly

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WTF???

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FYI... I never LOL

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I quit smoking yesterday. It's going very well.

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hmmm... I know I walked into this room for a reason...

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see darling? Valium makes everything seem fun!

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whoever says you can't have it all hasn't met my lawyer!

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who says blondes have more fun?

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no...I do not think it's time to get dinner started

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funny... he took up so much more space on the sofa...

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I truly amaze myself... this after five martinis!

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if you're going to kick ass, you need kickass shoes

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there's a very fine line between medicated and over-medicated

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well, I never!!! or, at least, not recently...

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I could just stand here and watch it depreciate all day!

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same circus... different clowns

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put on your life preserver... I'm about to rock the boat

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twinkle, twinkle, little cup... how'd my life get so f***ed up?

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expiration dates are for the weak

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you see them as pies... I see them as cries for help

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fortunately, some of us don't need all that much beauty sleep

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napping... it's not just for toddlers any more

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I wish I may, I wish I might, get some frikkin' sleep tonight!

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being a mom is fun but I could never do it sober

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five martinis later, she tried to recall that rule about babies and bathwater

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clear your throat and make that noise one more time... I dare you...

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I knit so that I don't kill you, dear

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you say "crazy cat lady" like it's a bad thing

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it depends... are you going for gay or straight?

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this was a great idea, honey... I needed a break from cooking and cleaning

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you're never too old... to try something stupid

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I'd love to wear low necklines too, but they don't cover my prison tats

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did we forget the children at the baggage claim... again?

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oh honey! it's practical AND thoughtless!

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thanks to "homeschooling" Margaret didn't need to hire a maid

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Father says I'm a disappointment. Mother says I'm fabulous.

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the girls could never say "rubbers" without giggling...

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see? aren't we both much happier when I'm happy?

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jeepers, mom! i'd drink too if I had to do this all day!

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the voices in my head are all demanding drinks

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why put off til tomorrow what you can do next year?

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I'll try anything once... okay, twice...

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be good... but if you can't be good, call me

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oh my, I'm going to be late for Pilates again...

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since giving up carbs I've been feeling a bit... oh, what's that word...? ...homicidal

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born to be wild

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Hurrah! At last I'm 40!

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Hurrah! At last I'm 50!

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bite me

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WOW! I get to give birth AND change diapers!

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domestically disabled

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I dreamed my whole house was clean...

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you'll eat it... you'll eat it and like it

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my garden kicks ass

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make your own damn dinner

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guess where I'm tattooed

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because I'm the mother... that's why

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she could see no good reason to act her age

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surely it must be five o'clock somewhere

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I love not camping

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"high maintenance" doesn't even begin to cover it

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old enough to know better... too young to give a rat's ass

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the secret ingredient is resentment

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stop me before I volunteer again

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funny... I don't recall asking for your opinion

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ta-daa! now let's have a cocktail...

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if by "happy" you mean trapped with no means of escape...? then yes, I'm happy

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she was one cocktail away from proving his mother right

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You be Thelma. I'll be Louise.

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I believe we have an opportunity to make some extremely poor choices

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why do dishes when you can do daiquiris?

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it's okay... I didn't want a real life anyway

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oops! I spent the grocery money on shoes again...

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...and then the children cleaned their rooms, got mommy her drink, and went straight to bed. The End.

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if looks could kill women wouldn't need frying pans

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a real friend will help you hide the body

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and voila! margaritas for everyone!

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size matters

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lactose is just one of the many things I don't tolerate

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which twin has the STD?

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do you think my sister means it when she says we need therapy?

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choosy moms choose beer

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did somebody say "open bar"?

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why, I'd be delighted to put my needs last again

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whoever said laughter is the best medicine had clearly never tasted scotch

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why don't you go Xerox your ass?

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do I ever question your lifestyle?

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she couldn't even remember the last time she partied with adults

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you're right! it does look like her Facebook picture!

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walk faster... the children are catching up

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only four more hours 'til my next dose!

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laundry! grocery shopping! carpool! and it's not even my birthday!

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yippee! I get to make dinner again tomorrow!

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gosh, Mom! I'd rather eat cat poo!

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where's the toy in this stupid happy meal?

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hurry up, Charlotte! my credit cards are about to expire!

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all dressed up with nothing to drink

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honey, this asks for your occupation... shall I just write "ball-buster"?

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...because puppies never have affairs with their secretaries

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...and that's how the handsome prince worked himself into an early grave

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I don't suffer fools gladly... but I do gladly make fools suffer

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screw the budget!

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sign up for a life of drudgery and receive these free gifts!

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hmm... you say tomato... I say Bloody Mary!

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can I be a boy instead?

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I wish I were knitting

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you have to start drinking pretty damn early if you want to stay wasted all day

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yes, we are lesbians... and no, you can't watch

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what am I making for supper? why, sweetie, I'm making whatever the hell I want served with a side of eat it or starve

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oh Daddy! you're so much more fun after your third cocktail!

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hurry, dear... if you miss the bus you'll have to walk 'cause mommy can't drink and drive

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my lobotomy did wonders for my morale... no more crazy feminist talk from me!

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now remember, sweetheart... if you lose another lunchbox Mommy will have to sell you to pirates

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Can someone call the Coast Guard? I believe I've dropped my Mai Tai.

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hopes and dreams would only distract me from making these awesome casseroles

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on second thought... let's get drunk and order pizza!

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see? I told you I gave the best blow job

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male refrigerator blindness claims another victim

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note to self... dump jackass

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Ommmmm...

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I can't afford to go on vacation so I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am anymore

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when I said I wanted a baby, dear, I didn't mean you

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blondes may have more fun, but brunettes have more everything else

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did somebody say "free gift with purchase"?

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all work and no play makes Jill homicidal

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all men are created equal... interchangeable, even

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honey, fur isn't the only thing I fake

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the last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on the list

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umm... shall I file that under "P" for "pompous" or "J" for "jackass"?

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honey? are credit card limits, like, set in stone?

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why am I sober?

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everyone needs a hobby, dear... mine is cocktails

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when I said "for poorer" you can't think I was serious

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she was certain that money could buy happiness if only he'd try harder

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cocktail hour can do absolute wonders for office morale

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fortunately for him, she had just that minute lowered the bar

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it's not you, darling... it's your limited earning potential

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is it possible that I'm simply too attractive?

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whoever said that breaking up is hard to do had clearly never dated this bozo

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if I had wanted to be ignored I would have bought a cat

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your honor, I plead not guilty by reason of being so damn good-looking

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so, men... it's official: we don't know a damn thing about women

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remember, son... the formula for success is 10% inspiration and 90% intoxication

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we've all decided to blame you

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drinks after work? why wait that long?

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