...or we could order Chinese
can one of you darling children show Aunt Gigi where your parents hide the booze?
I'm not laughing on the inside either
if men are from Mars let's send some of them back
mommy, when I grow up I want to stay home and not work just like you!
...and the best part? we never argue!
I've put on my happy face... now what?
I don't mind the heat... it's the kitchen I can't stand
this is what I do for fun... well, this and laundry
honey, these are my big girl panties
following the "if you can't say something nice" rule proved to be more challenging than she had anticipated
all the glamour of a real job... no pesky 401k
organization is for the unimaginative
it has been my pleasure to ignore you
his snoring is so much better...thank you, duct tape!
you'll never forget to turn off the oven...if you never turn it on
they say the alcohol will cook off...so I say don't cook it
what do you mean I don't let you be your own person?
parenting...when messing up your own life just isn't enough
she was determined to find a cure for embarrassing-mom syndrome
God bless this empty nest
see darling...toasting doesn't always involve a cocktail
...and then I burn it and we go out to dinner
To you it's a casserole dish...to me it's a memorial to the death of all my hopes and aspirations. Should I add cheese?
my psychopharmacologist kicks ass!
low expectations mean everyone ends up happy
so how's that job-and-kids thing working out for you?
people who need people haven't tried lemon flavored vodka
born to be wild
Hurrah! At last I'm 40!
Hurrah! At last I'm 50!
WOW! I get to give birth AND change diapers!
I dreamed my whole house was clean...
you'll eat it... you'll eat it and like it
my garden kicks ass
make your own damn dinner
guess where I'm tattooed
because I'm the mother... that's why
she could see no good reason to act her age
surely it must be five o'clock somewhere
I love not camping
old enough to know better... too young to give a rat's ass
stop me before I volunteer again
funny... I don't recall asking for your opinion
ta-daa! now let's have a cocktail...
if by "happy" you mean trapped with no means of escape...? then yes, I'm happy
You be Thelma. I'll be Louise.
I believe we have an opportunity to make some extremely poor choices
why do dishes when you can do daiquiris?
it's okay... I didn't want a real life anyway
...and then the children cleaned their rooms, got mommy her drink, and went straight to bed. The End.
a real friend will help you hide the body
and voila! margaritas for everyone!
lactose is just one of the many things I don't tolerate
which twin has the STD?
choosy moms choose beer
did somebody say "open bar"?
why, I'd be delighted to put my needs last again
why don't you go Xerox your ass?
she couldn't even remember the last time she partied with adults
you're right! it does look like her Facebook picture!
walk faster... the children are catching up
laundry! grocery shopping! carpool! and it's not even my birthday!
gosh, Mom! I'd rather eat cat poo!
all dressed up with nothing to drink
honey, this asks for your occupation... shall I just write "ball-buster"?
...because puppies never have affairs with their secretaries
...and that's how the handsome prince worked himself into an early grave
hmm... you say tomato... I say Bloody Mary!
yes, we are lesbians... and no, you can't watch
what am I making for supper? why, sweetie, I'm making whatever the hell I want served with a side of eat it or starve
oh Daddy! you're so much more fun after your third cocktail!
hurry, dear... if you miss the bus you'll have to walk 'cause mommy can't drink and drive
hopes and dreams would only distract me from making these awesome casseroles
on second thought... let's get drunk and order pizza!
we go together like drunk and disorderly
FYI... I never LOL
hmmm... I know I walked into this room for a reason...
whoever says you can't have it all hasn't met my lawyer!
who says blondes have more fun?
no...I do not think it's time to get dinner started
I truly amaze myself... this after five martinis!
if you're going to kick ass, you need kickass shoes
well, I never!!! or, at least, not recently...
I could just stand here and watch it depreciate all day!
see? I told you I gave the best blow job
same circus... different clowns
put on your life preserver... I'm about to rock the boat
twinkle, twinkle, little cup... how'd my life get so f***ed up?
expiration dates are for the weak
you see them as pies... I see them as cries for help
fortunately, some of us don't need all that much beauty sleep
napping... it's not just for toddlers any more
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some frikkin' sleep tonight!
being a mom is fun but I could never do it sober
five martinis later, she tried to recall that rule about babies and bathwater
clear your throat and make that noise one more time... I dare you...
I knit so that I don't kill you, dear
you say "crazy cat lady" like it's a bad thing
it depends... are you going for gay or straight?
this was a great idea, honey... I needed a break from cooking and cleaning
you're never too old... to try something stupid
I'd love to wear low necklines too, but they don't cover my prison tats
did we forget the children at the baggage claim... again?
oh honey! it's practical AND thoughtless!
thanks to "homeschooling" Margaret didn't need to hire a maid
Father says I'm a disappointment. Mother says I'm fabulous.
the girls could never say "rubbers" without giggling...
see? aren't we both much happier when I'm happy?
jeepers, mom! i'd drink too if I had to do this all day!
the voices in my head are all demanding drinks
why put off til tomorrow what you can do next year?
I'll try anything once... okay, twice...
be good... but if you can't be good, call me
oh my, I'm going to be late for Pilates again...
since giving up carbs I've been feeling a bit... oh, what's that word...? ...homicidal
male refrigerator blindness claims another victim