Classic Taintor with a Twist
we go together like drunk and disorderly
FYI... I never LOL
I quit smoking yesterday. It's going very well.
hmmm... I know I walked into this room for a reason...
see darling? Valium makes everything seem fun!
whoever says you can't have it all hasn't met my lawyer!
who says blondes have more fun?
no...I do not think it's time to get dinner started
funny... he took up so much more space on the sofa...
I truly amaze myself... this after five martinis!
if you're going to kick ass, you need kickass shoes
there's a very fine line between medicated and over-medicated
well, I never!!! or, at least, not recently...
I could just stand here and watch it depreciate all day!
same circus... different clowns
put on your life preserver... I'm about to rock the boat
twinkle, twinkle, little cup... how'd my life get so f***ed up?
expiration dates are for the weak
you see them as pies... I see them as cries for help
fortunately, some of us don't need all that much beauty sleep
napping... it's not just for toddlers any more
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some frikkin' sleep tonight!
being a mom is fun but I could never do it sober
five martinis later, she tried to recall that rule about babies and bathwater
clear your throat and make that noise one more time... I dare you...
I knit so that I don't kill you, dear
you say "crazy cat lady" like it's a bad thing
it depends... are you going for gay or straight?
this was a great idea, honey... I needed a break from cooking and cleaning
you're never too old... to try something stupid
I'd love to wear low necklines too, but they don't cover my prison tats
did we forget the children at the baggage claim... again?
oh honey! it's practical AND thoughtless!
thanks to "homeschooling" Margaret didn't need to hire a maid
Father says I'm a disappointment. Mother says I'm fabulous.
the girls could never say "rubbers" without giggling...
see? aren't we both much happier when I'm happy?
jeepers, mom! i'd drink too if I had to do this all day!
the voices in my head are all demanding drinks
why put off til tomorrow what you can do next year?
I'll try anything once... okay, twice...
be good... but if you can't be good, call me
oh my, I'm going to be late for Pilates again...
since giving up carbs I've been feeling a bit... oh, what's that word...? ...homicidal
born to be wild
Hurrah! At last I'm 40!
Hurrah! At last I'm 50!
WOW! I get to give birth AND change diapers!
I dreamed my whole house was clean...
you'll eat it... you'll eat it and like it
my garden kicks ass
make your own damn dinner
guess where I'm tattooed
because I'm the mother... that's why
she could see no good reason to act her age
surely it must be five o'clock somewhere
I love not camping
"high maintenance" doesn't even begin to cover it
old enough to know better... too young to give a rat's ass
the secret ingredient is resentment
stop me before I volunteer again
funny... I don't recall asking for your opinion
ta-daa! now let's have a cocktail...
if by "happy" you mean trapped with no means of escape...? then yes, I'm happy
she was one cocktail away from proving his mother right
You be Thelma. I'll be Louise.
I believe we have an opportunity to make some extremely poor choices
why do dishes when you can do daiquiris?
it's okay... I didn't want a real life anyway
oops! I spent the grocery money on shoes again...
...and then the children cleaned their rooms, got mommy her drink, and went straight to bed. The End.
if looks could kill women wouldn't need frying pans
a real friend will help you hide the body
and voila! margaritas for everyone!
lactose is just one of the many things I don't tolerate
which twin has the STD?
do you think my sister means it when she says we need therapy?
choosy moms choose beer
did somebody say "open bar"?
why, I'd be delighted to put my needs last again
whoever said laughter is the best medicine had clearly never tasted scotch
why don't you go Xerox your ass?
do I ever question your lifestyle?
she couldn't even remember the last time she partied with adults
you're right! it does look like her Facebook picture!
walk faster... the children are catching up
only four more hours 'til my next dose!
laundry! grocery shopping! carpool! and it's not even my birthday!
yippee! I get to make dinner again tomorrow!
gosh, Mom! I'd rather eat cat poo!
where's the toy in this stupid happy meal?
hurry up, Charlotte! my credit cards are about to expire!
all dressed up with nothing to drink
honey, this asks for your occupation... shall I just write "ball-buster"?
...because puppies never have affairs with their secretaries
...and that's how the handsome prince worked himself into an early grave
I don't suffer fools gladly... but I do gladly make fools suffer
screw the budget!
sign up for a life of drudgery and receive these free gifts!
hmm... you say tomato... I say Bloody Mary!
can I be a boy instead?
I wish I were knitting
you have to start drinking pretty damn early if you want to stay wasted all day
yes, we are lesbians... and no, you can't watch
what am I making for supper? why, sweetie, I'm making whatever the hell I want served with a side of eat it or starve
oh Daddy! you're so much more fun after your third cocktail!
hurry, dear... if you miss the bus you'll have to walk 'cause mommy can't drink and drive
my lobotomy did wonders for my morale... no more crazy feminist talk from me!
now remember, sweetheart... if you lose another lunchbox Mommy will have to sell you to pirates
Can someone call the Coast Guard? I believe I've dropped my Mai Tai.
hopes and dreams would only distract me from making these awesome casseroles
on second thought... let's get drunk and order pizza!
see? I told you I gave the best blow job
male refrigerator blindness claims another victim
note to self... dump jackass
I can't afford to go on vacation so I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am anymore
when I said I wanted a baby, dear, I didn't mean you
blondes may have more fun, but brunettes have more everything else
did somebody say "free gift with purchase"?
all work and no play makes Jill homicidal
all men are created equal... interchangeable, even
honey, fur isn't the only thing I fake
the last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on the list
umm... shall I file that under "P" for "pompous" or "J" for "jackass"?
honey? are credit card limits, like, set in stone?
why am I sober?
everyone needs a hobby, dear... mine is cocktails
when I said "for poorer" you can't think I was serious
she was certain that money could buy happiness if only he'd try harder
cocktail hour can do absolute wonders for office morale
fortunately for him, she had just that minute lowered the bar
it's not you, darling... it's your limited earning potential
is it possible that I'm simply too attractive?
whoever said that breaking up is hard to do had clearly never dated this bozo
if I had wanted to be ignored I would have bought a cat
your honor, I plead not guilty by reason of being so damn good-looking
so, men... it's official: we don't know a damn thing about women
remember, son... the formula for success is 10% inspiration and 90% intoxication
we've all decided to blame you
drinks after work? why wait that long?